I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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