so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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