The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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