I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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