So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
