im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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