The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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