im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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