I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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