if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
