ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
