Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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