I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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