I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
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you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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