He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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