My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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