If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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