My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
