one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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