i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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