The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
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Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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