To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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