I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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