I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
