The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
