I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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