batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Boobs are out for the taking
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
