you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
