Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
