i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
