Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
