He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Semen is not good for contacts.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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