Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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