My balls are so social today.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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