MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
