I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
