How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
