I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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