FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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