Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
