It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
