just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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