I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
