seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
