you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize