You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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