She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
