The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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