just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
