Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have fence marks all over my body
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
