ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.