I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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