just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
