I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
