Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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