I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
