He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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