i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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